Matthew's story

Matthew, a single dad, lives in Kent with his son, Bryan. He works in communications and fundraising, as well as having published a few books. With his son having just started secondary school, we asked him to reflect on his experience of adopting a child for the first time as a single dad.

What made you decide to adopt?

“In my twenties, I absolutely didn't want to have children; I was certain of it and was pretty sure that I would never change my mind. However, I did change my mind in my early-ish thirties. I can't recall exactly why I changed my mind, but I did - it was just a gradual awareness that I wanted to be a dad and give a child every possible opportunity.

“I looked at a few different agencies, but Barnardo's felt right for me; it felt very therapeutic, thoughtful, and child-centred, and I appreciated all of those things. As a single man looking to adopt, I was perhaps a little nervous about the reaction to my plans, but Barnardo's couldn't have been more supportive if they tried.”

What was your adoption process like?

“The process itself was busy, but I wouldn't change it. As I got close to the end of the PAR (or the Prospective Adopter's Report, where a social worker and I worked towards getting me approved as a prospective adopter), I lost my job, so had to put everything on hold for close to a year. I was devastated, as you might imagine, but when I restarted the process with a new social worker, it was easy. I approached it with the mindset that I would be open to the process - that the social workers weren't trying to trip me up or confuse me but were asking questions and getting a sense of who I was in order to make sure I could be a good dad for a child.

“Finding out that Bryan's social worker had said "yes" to me being Bryan's dad was such a wonderful moment; I was delighted, excited, and a bit scared. A few months went past with a lot of intensity - a second matching panel, "bump into" meetings, lots of travelling (we lived a long way apart), and more discussions - but finally, Bryan came home on 16 March 2019. We had spent a lot of the previous week together but knowing that he was travelling across the country with his foster carers to live with me was a huge responsibility. What if he didn't like me? What if I did something wrong? What if ... What if ...?

“But then he walked in through the front door, said "hi", then walked down the corridor to his bedroom straight away to check it out. I couldn't have asked for anything better; he wanted to explore, and I wasn't going to stop him. Over the next few months, he had lots of questions about adoption, about his foster carers, about his siblings and how they were ... all things that he was figuring out and, as he saw that he could trust me to be consistent and deliver on my promises (and that I wouldn't promise something if I couldn't guarantee it), he began to trust me. He was eight when he came home, so we could have those conversations in very child-friendly ways.”

How is Bryan doing now?

“Bryan is genuinely the light of my life. He has now started secondary school, so he is growing up fast and is exploring what it means to be a pre-teen in this world we live in. He's becoming a little more independent - he walks to and from school by himself - and has made some good friends at school. He needs some freedom, of course - he's no longer the boy he was when he first came home - but he still needs support and love and boundaries.

“Some memories will always stick in my mind; the moment I told Bryan the adoption order had gone through, and we were a legal family is just one.”

What advice would you give to anyone considering adoption?

“Parenting is not smooth sailing; I've learnt how to be a better parent by sometimes making mistakes. But I love my son, and I'm so glad I went into the process with an open mind and a desire to become a family. To be a parent via adoption, you need to be tenacious, willing to accept your child's past as well as future and be there for your child no matter what.”