Married couple Graham and Martin worked with Barnardo's to adopt their son, Josh.
Graham had always enjoyed being a godfather but without a child of his own he also knew something was missing from his life. His husband Martin, a building surveyor, has two grown up children from a previous relationship but was also keen to adopt with Graham. After working on their relationship and creating a solid family base Graham downloaded a brochure to look into their options.
The process
After a home visit in 2016, they were asked to go over their background, work life and earnings. With the support of their social worker, they were asked to fill in a workbook of questions to help begin to assess their suitability and think about adoption more fully.
"We would advise being as honest as possible at every stage because they want to make sure you are set up to parent in a successful way."
References were checked and a health assessment and police check were also carried out.
They attended a two-day preparation course, where they met with other prospective adopters and learnt about what it means to adopt and the needs of children, including some of the lasting effects of childhood trauma, both mentally and physically.
Calling it 'a reality check', Martin explains: "They wanted to make us aware of some of the challenges and potential behavioural traits in adopted children so we were prepared. I think it helped us to accept that any behaviour we came across wouldn't be deliberate and to focus on the nurturing environment that we could offer a child."
Meeting Josh
Attending an Adoption ‘play day’, where 50 couples meet the children they may adopt, Graham says, "Josh was running around being a pirate. He came up, thrust a plastic sword into Martin's hand and said 'I want you to come and play with me.' He kept running around after us even as we ate lunch and were moved on to other areas.”
While play fighting with Martin the young boy pulled him aside and asked innocently 'will you be my daddy?'
"We knew at that point that he was the boy" said Graham.
Encouraging the LGBTQ+ community to adopt
The couple are very supportive of the gay community and want others to know that they can adopt too. In fact, one in seven adoptions in England last year were to same-sex couples.
Martin says: "I think there is a need for LGBTQ+ Fostering and Adoption Week because people from many different backgrounds can make a difference to a child. They have to try and encourage all sorts of families to come forward for diversity, whatever your religion, beliefs or sexual orientation, it doesn’t matter. Also a lot of gay people don't know that they can adopt so it's about getting that message out there and being as supportive as possible."
However, both men agree that their sexuality makes no difference whatsoever to their role as parents.
When asked what they would say to others who are thinking of adopting, Graham advises that "there are lots of things you can do, I joined adoption groups online and I would also say to find a mentor. Be honest and build a network of people around you who are going through the same process to bounce concerns off. My best advice is don't be daunted because it is incredibly rewarding."
Speaking about the support from Barnardo's, the couple cannot praise the children's charity enough.
"Our adoption team were amazing throughout the whole process," enthuses Graham.
"We called on them a lot for support and advice and they did that without question. They make you realise that no-one is judging you and will always try to help, it is amazing how easy the process can be."