Most people know very little about what it’s like to grow up in care. We spoke to 24-year-old Sara, a care leaver from Lincolnshire, about her experience and what she wants people to understand about life for children and young people in or leaving care.
How has being in care shaped who you are today?
“Even at school, when we were learning about family types, they talked about stepfamilies and adoption, but it was never covered that people could be fostered. My friends never really understood why I called my foster mum by her first name. And then it always led to awkward conversations and thinking how much can I disclose without weirding them off too much?
“But I wouldn't be me without being in care. I frankly don't think I would talk which is crazy because that’s the main thing I do now! - I definitely don't think I'd talk at events in Parliament, like I do now. I feel like I now know who I am without my siblings and my family name."
What was your experience of going into care?
“I was about eight when we first went into care, but it was interesting when I got my care records because they predate my existence. So, it turns out social services were involved before I was alive. Which is crazy because it's like, how come my records start before I did?
“When we went into care, my oldest brother was 16 or 17. And at that time when you turned 16, you went straight into a supported living type situation. My sister – her friend's mum became a foster mum for her, so she got to live with her friend which was super cute; it was like an extended sleepover for multiple years. My middle brother had different care needs to us, so he went to a different home.
“Me and my youngest brother were kept together. We did get sent the furthest away, like 15-20 miles away for our first placement. With short-term placements, they don't like you to change schools because it's ‘too much disruption’, so we were travelling about 40 miles a day at primary school. Then we were moved to a long-term placement even further away from home."
What do you wish people understood about being in care?
“That although the system is complex, we are too. We’re people, don’t get scared. There are so many negative stereotypes. There are literally no positive stereotypes, and it's really annoying. It angers me a lot. You constantly have to prove you’re not bad. I now aim to make more positive stereotypes for those that have been in care."
What do people get wrong?
“Assumptions. I say this over and over and over: don't assume that our backgrounds are all good. Don't assume it's all bad. Just be willing to be inquisitive and actually ask rather than making assumptions.”
Don't assume that our backgrounds are all good. Don't assume it's all bad. Just be willing to be inquisitive and actually ask rather than making assumptions.
Sara, 24
Care leaver
What was the hardest part of being in care?
“Initially, it was being torn apart from everything I'd ever known, until I went into care. I was selective mute, so I only ever spoke to my family, and I was essentially forced into a situation where I had to talk to adults, or else nothing happened. I wasn't being heard; it was all assumption-led.
“But also, being torn from my siblings. I really missed my sister; she was very much like a parent figure to me.”
Was there anything or anyone that made a positive difference to you?
“My youngest brother that stayed with me. It was really nice to not have to explain everything to him because he'd gone through it. So many times, during care, we have to re-explain ourselves, especially when we get new social workers or new foster carers. It was so exhausting every time, but it helped to have him as a constant and not have to explain anything. He just gets it because he's literally been there.
“I remember at one point when we'd just gone to our long-term foster carers – it was maybe a month in, and they were struggling to cope with my brother having some anger issues. And they were like, ‘If you don't change, you're going’. And I remember I said, ‘If he goes, I go’.”
What advice would you give to someone just entering care?
“If things aren't right, say. Even if things just aren't feeling great, it doesn't matter if anything's actually happened. It doesn't matter who you say it to. People have an obligation to act. It’s time for you and your needs.”
What do you want professionals, teachers, or carers to know?
“We’re people. If you want to know stuff, ask. We will definitely tell you if we're not wanting to share.
“Be open. Just be there. It doesn't have to have much pressure. So many settings when I was going through care were so formal, but they should be children-led and often it doesn’t feel like that.
“And involve children in the conversation about what’s going to happen to them – ‘What do you think Sara?’. I didn't always have an opinion to voice, but it was nice to be asked.”
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