Fathers' and childrens' comments

Nobody else can pass my life experiences on to my children

As a father, sometimes I lose sight of the fact that to be the best father possible can also mean having my own life as a person and challenging myself with new experiences in life. Instead of having those negative feelings of doubt, I only just understand that accusations from my ex-partner that my time, financial, emotional and other support fall way short of her expectations may have been justified.

My experiences of life are valuable tools for my children for their lives and no one else can give that to my children. As fathers we all have that place/gift for our children, a unique gift for the rest of their lives and for me personally a feeling of joy that I make a difference.

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognised by yourself as a mighty one, being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making me happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I can work the more I live.

'I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I've got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.'

Somebody wrote these words, and those moments are becoming less of doubt. The BabyFather reminded me of who I am.

Talking with other men in my situation helped me find solutions

Before I started going to the BabyFather Initiative, I felt pretty isolated. The only support groups I was invited to join were for single mothers, but I didn’t feel they could completely identify with my situation and the problems I faced as a single dad.

Then a friend told me about the BabyFather Initiative. The group is for black fathers and it meets every few weeks for general support, advice, and discussion. Staff also run structured sessions that explore in detail different topics that are relevant to our situations. By listening to other dads at the BabyFather Initiative I found I was often able to find solutions to my own problems. I could also unload some of the anxieties I had.

Over the years I’ve had to deal with some confusing legal issues regarding custody, and had different dealings with social services. I wasn’t always sure of my rights or what different avenues I should best pursue in order to create the best situation for me and my daughter. It was such a relief to be able to get other people’s advice and guidance. I also felt that, as a man, I was sometimes treated by the authorities, and people in general, as though I must somehow be at fault, or responsible for the situation I found myself in.

It was great to have a male perspective generally. As a guy you’re often expected to be a breadwinner, but I had to give up my well paid job in order to have time to look after my daughter properly. I work now, but in a job that pays less, but offers flexible hours. Others in the group identified with this. Some of the issues I’ve faced have also been relevant to my cultural background, so the fact that the group was aimed at black males was also a plus for me.

In a nutshell, the BabyFather Initiative enables you to talk about problems and receive useful practical information and guidance. Just attending the group serves to generally boost your morale, and empower you to take the steps needed to ensure the best for your child.

Learning through hindsight is too late

This is a message for all fathers, but particularly all the young fathers out there. What can be done or said to young men, (those having sex, thinking of having sex, or becoming fathers) to make them think about their responsibility to themselves, to not become fathers before they are ready to be or want to be?

I know the excuse of 'she said she was on the pill' is a big issue amongst men, but what do you think it would take for a young man to use a condom in spite of what she said? Basically to all the young fathers, or fathers who feel that the decision to have a baby was for what ever reason or circumstance out of their hands: With hindsight what could have been done or said to place the decision in your hands?

I'm asking this because one of the major lessons I think I learned through becoming a young mother is that the next time I want to have a baby, it will be my decision and until I'm ready to have a baby, I will take the necessary precautions to enable me to have sex and not a baby.

I think its a shame that I (like many other teenage mums and dads) had to learn this through hindsight, and lets be honest some people don't learn and have babies with women and men in relationships that don't last. I wonder what it would take to teach this to teenage boys and girls without them having to actually go through it?

This issue of single mothers and absent fathers has had a wide impact on the black community. How do we teach people to be responsible for their actions when it comes to having children?

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