Frequently asked questions

Q. Aaron my four-year-old son has just started school. As soon as he comes through the door, peace goes out the window. He picks fights with his two year old sister. He wants his friends in to play and then refuses to share his toys and so the battle goes on and on. I am continually scolding him and sending him to his room. I just don't know what else I can do.

A. Quite a few parents find this happens during the first few weeks at school. Your son is faced with a new routine and has to conform to new rules. One possibility is that he could be repeating behaviour that he sees in school. It may be worth having a word with his teacher to check this out. He could also be missing you and feeling jealous of his sister having you all to herself while he is at school. It is important to plan ahead and make time for Aaron when he gets home. As soon as you meet him, notice how he is feeling. This lets him know that you care about him, and gives him the opportunity to tell you about his day and about any worries he might have. Once he has had a rest and this special time with you, he may want to play with his friends. If you have his friends in it is important that you are aware of what is happening to ensure that fair play is taking place. They will learn from you how to sort out their own problems. Behaviour that is noticed tends to increase. So praise the good behaviour and try to ward off any squabbles before they happen. You should soon see an increase in the desired behaviour and peace will return again to your home.

Q. I have recently had my first child. I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for this little person; I’m exhausted and weepy. Friends and family are trying to help by giving me advice, but it’s all so different I’m more confused than ever. Help.

A. Congratulations on the birth of your baby. All of your feelings are perfectly normal. Talk to your GP or health visitor about how you are feeling to rule out any physical cause such as anaemia. If you are worried about how your baby is feeding or sleeping your health visitor can help. The thing about babies is there is no right or wrong way to do things; this is why you get so much different advice. Your friends are sharing what worked for them; this does not mean it will work for you or your baby. Listen to the advice and then trust your instinct to do what feels right for your family. The important thing at the moment is to get as much rest as you can. Sleep when your baby sleeps and get those helpful family and friends, who obviously care for you, to help out in other ways such as shopping, cleaning or keeping away visitors while you get some rest. Friends who have had babies will understand how you feel and are usually more than glad to help out - they are just waiting to be asked.

Q. My teenage daughter stays out later than allowed. How can I get her to come home on time?

A. It is normal behaviour for teenagers to test your limits and boundaries. Your daughter needs more freedom and independence now, but she also needs to know that you mean what you say about how late she stays out. Have a think about the time limits you are setting, maybe check them out with other parents of teenagers and if necessary, re-negotiate them with your daughter. It will help if she feels that the times you suggest are fair. If the times you are setting are reasonable then you can explain to your daughter that there will be consequences for her if she breaks them. For example, you will collect her from now on, or the next time she goes out she will have to be home earlier. Make sure you stick to any consequences that you lay down.

Q: My son came home from school and said that his teacher had told him off for calling a girl in his class a ‘chink’. I know that we are all supposed to be politically correct these days but I’m sure that my son didn’t mean any harm by what he said. Isn’t this all going a bit far?

A. There are a couple of reasons why it is important to talk to children about their attitudes towards people who they see as different. One is that the girl who was called a ‘chink’ was probably very upset by the comment. It is always hurtful for the person on the receiving end of racist remarks. Apart from anything else, this type of name-calling is a form of bullying and bullying, as we all know, can have devastating effects on children. The other reason that it is important to talk about these issues is that prejudice and discrimination can seriously limit children’s development and growth. In Northern Ireland, we can see the effects of prejudice in the violence on our streets. Prejudice is all around us and the most important thing that we can do is to discuss these issues with our children and avoid the temptation to bury our heads in the sand. As parents ourselves, the staff at Barnardo's Parenting Matters project know how hard it can be to talk about these things with our children. For this reason, we got together with Save The Children and wrote a booklet called ‘Fair Play; Talking with your Children about Prejudice and Discrimination’. The booklet is free and you may find some of the ideas in it helpful. Please contact us to order a copy.

Q. My son has just started P4 and he has come home from school every day for the first week saying that he doesn’t want to be in P4. I asked him if there was something wrong and if I should speak to his teacher. He said no. I even asked him if he wanted to stay in P3 all his life because I was getting frustrated because I didn’t know how else to help him.

A. Children need to be able to express their feelings. Often they will not be able to pinpoint exactly what is wrong. They need space and time with an understanding parent who is really listening. Try repeating back what the child has said to you. In this case, ‘you don’t like P4’. When he is sure you have heard him he may feel free to give a reason why he doesn’t like P4. This technique of active listening really works. You could read more about it or join a parenting group to practice the technique. It gives the child the opportunity to express all those things he finds disturbing without any debate or explanation. If you ever tried to tell someone something that was bothering you and they immediately came back with advice and you felt frustrated then you will understand this technique. Alternatively if you have been the one advising your friend and wondering why she isn’t taking your advice. Frustrating from both sides isn’t it? Being listened to is often enough for a child, or an adult to move on – to be relieved knowing that someone has made the time to really listen. Obviously if there is a serious matter like intimidation, that needs to be dealt with at school and at home.

Q. I have a 14-year-old daughter. She has been quite moody lately, which I put down to teenage hormones. Then last weekend she finally burst into tears and told me that she has fallen in love with her best friend who is a girl. I just told her that she was too young to know about love, and that lots of girls have crushes on friends and teachers, but then they grow up to be normal. I want to help her out of this, and I’m glad she felt able to tell me, but I don’t know what to say.

A. I’m sure this has all been quite a shock for you. Fourteen is quite young and it seems like it is hard for you to imagine your daughter falling in love with anyone, least of all a girl. However, it is important that you take her feelings seriously if you want to hold on to the closeness that obviously exists between the two of you. Your daughter may or may not be telling you that she thinks she is a lesbian but at this time she needs you to accept that this is how she feels. We know from research that many gay people are aware of their sexual orientation from the ages of 12-14. We also know that many gay people feel that they were born that way and do not have a choice about being attracted to people of their own gender. It may help for you to take some time to adjust to what your daughter has told you, or to talk it through in confidence with someone close to you. Your disapproval will not only hurt your child but could end up driving her away from you. She has put great trust in you by telling you her feelings and it is important that you respond very sensitively. Whatever happens in the future, your daughter will still be your daughter. She needs your support and your love like she has always done.

Q. I have a two year old who is a very poor eater. He only likes bread and pasta and won’t eat any meat or potatoes. He is very disruptive at the dinner table. He throws his food and sometimes gets up and runs around making noise.

A. Like any parent you are naturally concerned that your child eats well for the sake of his health and development. Your little boy, on the other hand, can’t understand what all the fuss is about. If you continue to be concerned about his nutrition, speak to your doctor or health visitor about it. Sometimes when we worry about our children’s eating habits, it actually turns out that they are eating enough calories for their size and weight. With regard to his behaviour, many parents we talk to in our groups have similar problems about mealtimes. Here are some of the ideas I’ve heard which have worked for some and may work for you.

• change your tune: if you tend to react to his behaviour by getting cross and shouting, try reacting differently. Calmly take his plate away when he begins to throw his food around. When he races around, take him on your knee and try to get him to look at you, then calmly explain that at dinnertime we sit at the table. Or, allow him to run around but in another safe room, so you can get on with your own dinner in peace
• if it is not too late for him, make mealtimes a family affair. Some toddlers eat better and are more content to sit at the table if you and other family members eat with them
• involve your toddler in food shopping and preparation. If he feels involved in the meal he may eat better
• if your toddler like tapes of stories, songs or rhymes, keep one especially for mealtimes. It may help him calm down enough to eat.

Q. (From a male prisoner) My 13-year-old son hasn’t been up to see me on a visit for months. His younger brother still comes up. Why won’t he?

A. As children enter the teenage years they often want to spend less face to face time with parents. This is normal and is their way of beginning to separate from parents. However, it may be useful to check out with your son his reasons for not visiting. If there are no obvious problems you could think of other ways in which you can maintain contact, eg, letters, and phone calls. It will be important to keep in touch and let him know you are missing his visits and that you still love him even if he doesn’t visit. Barnardo's Parenting Matters project has written a booklet for prisoners and their families about some of these issues. We also run a programme called ‘Being a Parent in Prison’ in both the adult prisons in Northern Ireland.

Q. My son is almost three now. We adopted him when he was five months old. My husband and I said we would be honest and tell him about his birth family but I realise this will be harder than I thought. What age should we tell him he is adopted?

A. It can be difficult to keep this decision to be honest in mind once the child comes to live with you and settles in. It can feel as though he has always been there and it is easy to put to the back of your mind the fact there is part of his history that you haven’t been around for. The important thing is to remember why you wanted to be honest with him in the first place. He has a right to know about his birth parents. It is easier to begin talking about it now with him rather than when he is older. Try to use natural opportunities as they arise to raise the issue of adoption. If other friends or family members are pregnant talk to him about the new baby they are expecting. Explain that he didn’t grow in your tummy but in someone else’s. If you have any photographs of him before he came to live with you let him see these and talk about where they were taken and the people in them. He may not have a lot of questions at this age but as he gets older he will want some more information. Being open and honest with your son will teach him that he can trust you and will form the basis for a strong and loving bond between you.

Q. I have two daughters and love being a full-time mum. Sometimes, though, I feel I’m not doing a good job and it all gets on top of me. I know smacking is out of fashion at the minute but what am I supposed to do when my three and a half year old bites my eight month old? I feel so guilty when I smack but she needs to be taught a lesson as well.

A. You are doing a very demanding job and a very worthwhile one. Be sure to take any support or help you can from family, friends and local groups like mothers and toddlers. You don’t have to do it all on your own.

However, smacking doesn’t sound like it’s working as a solution for either you or your daughter. Try to keep a close eye and stop the bitter by firmly moving her away from the baby. At the same time be sure to praise any positive interactions you see. You could also try talking to her about her behaviour, perhaps at a time when things are calm, such as when the baby is asleep and you’re settling her in bed.

Q. I have three children aged nine, six and four. Their dad left us three years ago but I have managed well enough on my own. About a year ago I met a really nice man and a couple of months ago he moved in with us. The younger kids get on well with him but my daughter is always complaining that he scolds her even though he’s not her daddy. He is inclined to be much stricter than I am when it comes to money, TV, bedtimes etc. This leads to lots of arguments between the two of us. The tension in the house is becoming unbearable and I am on the verge of asking him to leave. After all, I have to put my relationship with my children first, don’t I?

A. There are five people in your house, all with their own needs and opinions, and all with their different relationships with each other. Like any family there is a lot of negotiating to be done to ensure that everyone is being as considerate as possible.

I think the first thing you need to do is to sit down with your partner and discuss your roles as parents. When your partner moved in he automatically acquired some responsibilities for, and authority over, the children. You need to discuss your priorities with the children and then present a united front on the issues you mention. Your daughter may be feeling insecure and confused about what role this new adult in her life will play. If she picks up on the conflict you are feeling between your partner and your children, she may be tempted to use it to her advantage. Perhaps you could both have a talk with her, even if you have already done so, explaining that, despite not being her daddy, your new partner is someone you love and is another adult in the house who has responsibility for the children. Hopefully, if the two of you can reach some agreement about how you want things to be organised you can then work them out with your children.

Q. I live in the country and I have recently had my first baby. Because I have always worked, I don’t know many people in the area. I feel very isolated and alone. How can I meet other mums?

A. It can be very difficult being at home on your own with a new baby, especially if you are used to contact with other adults in the workplace. Your health visitor should be aware of any local groups you could join. Or she may be able to put you in touch with another mother living near you whom you could form a friendship with. Your local community group or place of worship may run groups for parents. You could also contact us at Barnardo's Parenting Matters project and we may be able to offer a parenting programme or baby massage group in your area. This is a great way to meet other parents living close to you and to find yourself some support.

Q. My husband and I have been fostering a nine year old boy for five years. Sometimes we feel that he treats us and our home as 'board and lodgings', but has made no commitment to our family. Is this usual?

A. A child’s early childhood experience, particularly in the 0-two year period, will have a big impact on how they are able to build attachments to a new family. The very fact that he has been living with your family for five years has provided him with consistency and stability over an important period in his life. However, his attachments to the significant people in his early life also affects how he treats adults now. It will be important and helpful for you to have details about his early experiences from his social worker. This will help your family to understand his current behaviour. Other things in his present situation may also be having an impact on his behaviour such as contact with his birth family or a lot of unanswered questions about why he is in care. It is most important for him to know how much your family care about him and to deal with him as sensitively as possible while at the same time setting appropriate boundaries given his age and understanding.

Q. My 11 year old daughter has just threatened to call Childline and report me because I won’t let her stay overnight at a friend’s birthday party. I think all this talk of children’s rights is getting out of proportion. How can I get her to do as she is told?

A. A lot of parents find the idea of children having rights quite scary. They are afraid that they will no longer have any say over what their children do or where they go. Ultimately parents are responsible for making decisions about what is ok for their child and no one wants to take that away or undermine parents. Recognising that children have rights doesn’t mean that you can’t have influence. However it is worth remembering that decisions that are imposed on children often encourage the child to react or rebel. In your situation it may be helpful to explain to your child why you don’t want her to stay over after the party. Explain that you understand that she is disappointed and try to reach a compromise. Could she stay a bit later than you originally said, could the friend stay over with you sometime? Your daughter has a right to have her views and opinions listened to. Children who are encouraged to express their views in a respectful way usually grow in confidence and have good self-esteem.

Q. My six year old son was accused of bullying another boy in his class. He called him names and refused to let him join in games at break times. The school called me in to discuss this and say it isn’t the first time it’s happened. I feel so ashamed and also so angry with my son. I’ve told him he will be put in a home if he doesn’t stop this behaviour.

A. It is important that you stay calm and don’t give your son a message that he is bad. You can say you don’t like the behaviour but that you still love him and want to understand why he is behaving in this way. It may be that he is trying to find his place in the class and thinks that the best way of doing it is to take on the role of the 'tough guy', or it may be that he has no understanding of how the other boy in his class feels. Try to get him to think about what he would feel like if someone were treating him this way. Reaffirm that you love him and tell him some of the things you like about him. Don’t threaten to put him in a home, as this will encourage him to believe he is not loveable or likeable. It may also be useful to talk to his teacher about a joint approach to this from home and school.